Good Morning beauties! Happy Monday to you all!
How was everyone’s weekend?
My day hasn’t started out too marvellous yet, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be a marvellous day over here! The day has just begun.
I kicked off my morning with some overnight oat bran. The tutorial should be up either tomorrow or Thursday! For all of those who were wondering.
*Breakfasts have been mostly the same ol’ overnight pumpkin oat bran, I do try and switch up the add-ins every now and again 
Or maybe mix it up with some pancakes or granola*
I mentioned last week about a decision I’ve made. First off, I decided at some time last week that I am tired of living with an eating disorder. I mean I’ve known this for a long time, but its about time I make changes and not just talk about wanting to change. This post may not sound marvellous, but I believe it is. I have decided to make the changes that I need in order to get my life back for the better; instead of sitting back and wishing for changes to happen. I’m not going to recover full by sitting back waiting for someone else to change for me.
*Caffeine crazedddd addict! With a side view of my kabocha stock. Yes, I’m obsessed with it. And I have no plans on getting over that obsession any time soon.*
We have an outpatient eating disorder clinic where I live, and I did attend it when I was at my sickest three years ago. However, I have still been struggling emotionally and physically with some things that have been going on. Just because I am not at a very low weight does not mean I don’t deserve help or that I don’t need help.
As much as I’d like to believe I can recover on my own, it has been nearly impossible with no outside help in the past year. Instead of sticking it out and not pursuing change, I decided to make a call to the clinic and see someone. I need to realize its okay to ask for help from other people.
I live in my head a lot and contemplate with so many different thing, by doing this I am giving up my power to recover and not moving forward in this stage. I can honestly get lost in my mind, I feel that it get can filled with some intense, crazy thoughts that make me emotionally and mentally exhausted.
*I’ve been obsessed with roasting my veggies in a combo of coconut oil, hummus, nutritional yeast, and a little cashew butter. SO good. This is a bowl of baked cauliflower, zucchini, kale, spinach, and tempeh*
It has taken a lot of convincing to take this next step. I kept thinking I am simply “not sick enough” for treatment. Who can really define that though? And is this my ED trying to convince me I am not sick enough to get help. Even when I was at my worst I didn’t want to recover. I was being stubborn and didn’t think I was sick enough.
By talking to the people I love and who care about me, it has given me a new perspective on my health and life. It’s given my the strength to listen to my body, my mind, and giving part of my “control” away to someone else. I have been in denial that there is a problem that I need to fix. I was unwilling to make strides because I truly felt that I was not worth full recovery and that I did not need it.
I’m also afraid; truly afraid to live without this disease. What the heck will I be thinking if I’m not totally focused on my weight and exercise? Will this mean I just will no longer care about my health? I think that I will just get lazy and fat. This is the problem in my mind, that I think in extremes.
*For snacks I’ve been enjoying a combo of different things that are most likely topped with a cookie dough balls or just straight up almond or cashew butter. I can’t get enough of the fats lately!*
Even though I’m not at the lowest weight I’ve been at, in fact I’ve gained 20 pounds. I feel I am suffering more emotionally and mentally. I stress a lot everyday and its simply not healthy. It is important that I recover now, while I have no distractions in my life.
I am very fortunate my parents are willing to help me while I fully recover from my disorder. I’m going to appreciate my life and having the ability and resources to recover. I am so thankful and blessed to have my family helping me through this process.
I’ll make sure to update you all on how this process is going, because I want to be as open as I possibly can going through all of this.
Props if you made it through this lengthy post! I’m off to make the most of my Monday!!
Have you ever struggled asking for help from others?
xox,
Lisa
About Lisa
Awww Lisa! I am here for you girl if you ever need some love and positive words. DO not ever feel bad when you need the help of others, thats what people do! I know things will get better for you, it is just a lot of mental stuff and gosh the mind is powerful. Love you and sending good vibes your way <3
Thanks so much Katie! I know I have you to give me those positive vibes, you are the best!!xo
I do think this deserves a marvelous Monday post! That just means you are another step in the right direction. I know asking for help can be hard at times, but thankfully that is what family is for! And all your blog friends got your back as well
<3
Thank you Brittany! You are so kind!! It’s awesome to have this support!xo
Asking for outside help can be SO hard but SO worth it! I’m so proud of you Lisa, you’re really such an inspiration and such a strong girl! You don’t deserve to have ED suck anymore life out of you– you deserve happiness
you have the support of family and all of us bloggy friends 
Keep us posted on anything and everything! We love you sista! <3
Thank you!!! Those kind words are just what I need to hear! Love you lots!
Lisa,
You are so brave to be doing this and accepting outside help! Suffering inside emotionally and mentally is just terrible–I’ve been there and am actually dealing with similar issues now. This is a major step in your recovery process!! I’m always here if you want to talk.
It truly is an awful thing, but I am so thankful for all this support! I hope everything is going well for you!
oh girl, BIG hugs to you!!!! i’ve been there, trust me, and i know it’s not easy. it’s a challenge, but the fact that you are ready to kick this ED in the butt is awesome. email me if you ever need some encouragement or help. i’m here! xoxo
I will definitely take you up on the e-mail offer!! Its nice to know I’m not alone in this process!xo
Lisa you seem to have it right now! (It took me a long time to realize this also) You (me) have to be proactive. We can’t just sit around and hope to recover- it’s a daily mind realization until you get accustomed to being healthy again (took me about 2 year) But you can do it!!
xoxoxo
Exactly!Before, I just wanted someone to hand me recovery, do the hard work for me. Unfortunately, its not so easy
Thanks so much for the support!<3
You are so strong lovely! I am blown away by this. i too had those times where I wasn’t at my lowest weight, just last year before I entered inpatient I kept saying but I weight much more. It didn’ tmatter, my mind was not at peace and that is what mattered to me. I hope you and your family find the next step that feels right and where you should be. You rock girl!
Thank you so much Alex! It means a lot to hear that you think I’m so strong, when I don’t really feel much like that haha. Its just great to hear how much encouragement I’m getting!
Thank you for this post! I have been struggling myself lately and while I may not be at my “worst” and certainly do not look my “worst”, I definitely feel it on the inside. I give you all the credit in the world to realize you need help and to ask for help. You are an incredibly strong and brave woman and I wish you the best of luck with recovery!
Thank you Danielle! Its so hard to reach out for help when you feel that you don’t look the sickest, but I think suffering emotionally can be even worse, and of course can lead to temptations to go back to the disorder, this is how I realized I need to get help so I don’t relapse. I appreciate the kind words! I hope you get the help you deserve as well!
THIS IS MARVELOUS BEYOND WORDS! Lisa, I am so proud of you and totally admire you for speaking up. You are going to SQUASH ED and make a total recovery. i JUST KNOW IT. You are worth everything that ED thinks you are not. We’re HERE FOR YOU!!!
Love you Heather! Thanks for the support! I believe with the help from a lot of people I will truly recover! I can’t hide from this problem anymore! Just opening up makes me feel much more free!xo
Kudos, Lisa. Its extremely brave to ask for help. I tend to keep things bottled up which is so healthy, I know. It’s really hard to know what’s normal for you sometimes and if you need help in the first place.
Thanks Alysha!
Lisa you are so sweet, beautiful, courageous and driven. I have always about you because your spark has always left an impression on me. One thing that I do remember about you is that you can do anything and you will kick this ED into a place where you will make peace with it instead of using your precious life energy fighting it. Love you xox ( Natalie your dads friend in Calgary )
Thank you so much Natalie! Its great to hear from you! I hope you are doing well over in Calgary!
hey Lisa! I just found your blog and love it, and am also a Canadian blogger so it’s nice to have some maple leaf pride
I totally understand where you’re coming from, and I know what you mean when you say “I am not sick enough for treatment.” I think a lot of us, whether we suffer from an ED or not, feel like we don’t need to reach out because our situation could be worse. Kudos to you for being so in-tune with your emotions and being so honest. You’re very inspiring.
Yay for Canadian bloggers!
Thank you for the sweet words Georgia! Its hard to admit I have a problem when I don’t necessarily look “sick”. And hey, you know some people may judge me for that, but I just know what I need to do to take the steps to living an actual life free of this!
Good for you. I thought the same thing for the longest time- that I wasn’t sick enough to get “real help”. After contemplating for a long time I decided to enter therapy and it was the best decision ever made.
Best of luck. Just know you’re not suffering ED alone in this world. Thanks for sharing and being brave.
I’m so happy to hear that therapy worked so well for you! Thanks for the support in this!
truly and honestly. i am so proud of you. its very hard to ask for help. in all aspects of life. admitting you cant do something on your own. but theres a sense of relief in putting it all out there and finally admitting to yourself and others that you want support while you try to sort things out.
hugs.
Thank you Elise! It was definitely really hard for me to do because I was in such denial. I definitely feel like a weight is off my shoulder with announcing this news. This way I also feel like I can be accounted for the actions I take to get better!
I think it’s fantastic that you’re taking control of your physical and mental health and you should be PROUD to ask for help! Supporting you from out here in internet land…
Haha, love that. Thanks Brittany!
Oh my goodness sweetie. Please email me will you? My heart goes out to you. You have no idea how proud I am of you. Sometimes asking for help is the hardest step, but look at you go girl! Look how amazing you are! Please please please be proud of yourself Lisa because I sure am and you just did something amazing for yourself! You will be thanking yourself for this!
No matter the size or anything, everyone deserves help. My second eating disorder didn’t leave me at a very low body weight, so I can relate to how you feel; however, an ED is a mental disease and if we do not work out the problems that we have in our heads I don’t think we can get better, you know?
Love you like a sister <3 you are marvelous!
p.s. would you mind if I gave you a high five for this this week, love? I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
YES! I’ll be e-mailing you first thing tomorrow!! I actually am feeling pretty proud right now, especially receiving all these comments. Its really amazing how kind people are! Love you and thank you for being here for me!! Of course I wouldn’t mind if you gave me a high five! I was going to send this post to you because I am excited about the fact that I’m finally making good choices to get better!xox
I am SO SO SO proud of you Lisa. And honestly, I needed to read this post today. I know where you are coming from. I have gained back healthy weight too, but MENTALLY, I have been at a rough place lately. It all came to a head for me a few days ago, I hit the worst mental level of stress I’ve felt in a LONG time, despite the fact that I am also at a weight that has only been getting healthier. Our bodies may be getting healthier (good thing) but the MIND is so hard to heal too. I am so very happy to hear that you are asking for help because it means that you have taken just one step closer to recovery.
“I’m also afraid; truly afraid to live without this disease. What the heck will I be thinking if I’m not totally focused on my weight and exercise? Will this mean I just will no longer care about my health? I think that I will just get lazy and fat. This is the problem in my mind, that I think in extremes.”
OMG that quote resonated with my so much. That thought goes through my mind every single day. Our minds will NOT let ourselves trust our bodies, our desires. It tells us we don’t deserve to have them. Well you, I, and everyone else deserve happiness Lisa, so screw ED! We will ALWAYS care about our health, but also our happiness, and that is recovery!
The mind is a crazy thing with this ED! It is crazy how many things go through out my mind during a day. Sometimes I think I’m just a huge weirdo
haha. It is so odd how the mind can control so much of us! I definitely feel this is the hardest part of recovery, but we can both do it! Because we both deserve a life free of this disease! Lots of love!<3
You’re awesome, Lisa. Go for it, don’t let anyone tell you (including you) that you’re not ‘sick’ enough to get help. I think this is a fantastic step to getting *yourself* back and I’m really proud of you for recognizing that things aren’t getting better without outside help. Sometimes we need all the help we can get, and there is absolutely no shame in asking for it. I look forward to reading about your progress and full recovery, because it will happen!
Thank you so much Sam for the supportive and kind words!
I am SO proud of you, and it is a marvelous post! We are also hear to support you every step of the way. Even though I went through it 8 years ago in college, it is still a part of me each and every day. I had to gain fifteen pounds to get to a healthy weight, and although it is still a struggle sometimes to see the difference, I look in the past and I know I feel and look stronger now.
I know you have lots of friends and family, but if you ever need someone else to lean on I’m here. When you are free of the chains, you will feel like the world has opened up in so many ways. It is certainly something to strive for, and I know you are strong enough body mind and soul to do!
It is a very hard disease to 100% recover from! Its crazy how long it can last within us. I guess its such a part of society as well to look a certain way that it can be even harder for us suffering. Thank you for the support!
Absolutely! I explain to people how when I was suffering it was almost like I had glasses on when I looked in the mirror. I literally did not see what others saw. Those who have not experienced think it’s something you just get over like a cold, and it can get frustrating. Lots pf prayers going your way.
Even at my sickest I didn’t think I was sick enough for treatment. Nothing is ever enough for an eating disorder and no amount of an eating disorder is acceptable to live with. It took me hitting rock bottom to finally ask for real help and you’ve come so far so it’s great you are doing what you need to make sure you’re still going in the right direction! I hope the outpatient programs works well for you again, if not, there’s AlWAYS more places and options to get help! YOU are marvelous!
Exactly. I think even if I was on my death bed it wouldn’t be enough for the ED, its crazy how it messes with you! Thanks so much for the encouragement! I always love hearing that people suffering can come out of this disorder! Thanks for the sweet words!
Lisa, I am sooo so proud of you for this, and your honesty is something I appreciate a whole lot too. Asking for help is a very difficult thing to do and part of is because you are admitting you have a problem that you can’t seem to work through on your own. Perhaps you feel a bit shamed or weak for asking for help.. and yet…. you are doing exactly what you need to! Fighting against this illness is something we ALL need help with, yes YOU are the main person kicking it out of your life, but honestly, it can’t be done by help from those around you and other resources.
I am here for you Lisa, so let me know if you ever want or need to talk more!
It was definitely a hard decision to finally call the clinic and set up something. I’m pretty nervous, but a part of me is excited as well to get this dealt with. I will definitely let you know if I need a talking to! I’ll probably be taking you up on that!
Oh Lisa, I think it’s wonderful that you reached out and asked for help. I’m so proud of you, girl!! <3
Thanks so much Paige!!
Aww, this is great Lisa- I *really* think you are doing the right thing and are 1 brave chicka:).
I’m sure only good can come from seeking this help – you deserve the best treatment to help you in your recovery.
Actually having thoughts like – I’m not thin enough , iv been thinner, I eat too much etc, to need professional treatment- are common to everyone with an ED, and are part of the illness. But according to the illness you’ll NEVER be thin enough. But it truly seems like the logical/true Lisa knows you need help. I really hope it goes well!
Phyched for the oatbran tutorial- I HAVE to see how you enjoy this fabulous food:)!
Xxx
Haha, it will definitely be up for tomorrow morning! Thank you for the kindness Sarah! You are so sweet!xo
I’m sooooo proud of you Lisa!! I don’t think there is anything wrong at all with asking for help. Some people think that they are being weak by doing so, but I just think it shows how strong we are. I think this will be a great thing for you love and I can’t wait to hear how it helps you!
Thanks for the support Lindsay!!xox
I am so happy you’ve come to that decision! Totally know what you mean about living in your head a lot – I’d never thought of it that way until I read this post, but I do this ALL the time.
And congrats for sharing it on your blog; I know how daunting it is to be completely honest to the world wide web!
Its definitely a little scary! But I feel getting it out there will make me more accountable and hopefully will help being supported this way!
You are doing THE BEST thing you can do right now! Seriously. I speak from experience. Last year was when I was at my lowest point — physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was living away from home for the first time, working a “big girl” job, and I just fell deeper into my ED than ever before. I felt so lost and so weak, I didn’t know what to do. When my mom figured it out, she made me quit my job and move back home to recover. Instead of my ED fighting back, I was relieved and surrendered because I knew I could not go on like this anymore — it was too exhausting.
This was last summer. Fast-forward one year, and I’m at a healthy weight, eating whenever/whatever I want, still using exercise as a way to justify some of my eats but def. not taking it to the extreme as before and doing rest days and all that. Is the fight over? Definitely not. BUT…. physically, mentally, emotionally I am soooo much happier, healthier, freer! I posted on Tessa’s blog about how I’m finally interested in dating again and just feel like I’ve been re-awakened or something! It’s amazing. And all of this could not have been done alone.
I repeat: I could NOT have recovered alone. Because by myself, like you, I get stuck in my head… it’s hard to fight back against an ED alone. You NEED support and people who love you around you to be examples and to help you shake off your fears. You’re going to do great, I know it. So proud of you! Life IS great, I promise you! But only if you truly stick with recovery.
Thank you Jess!! Its very hard when the mind takes over and makes us feel so crappy. I feel relieved to! Definitely feels like surrendering to the fact that I need help is a huge weight off my shoulders! It feels great just to be admitting that! I am so happy you are at a healthy weight and living like a normal person! I definitely don’t think I could do it alone, I am the same way just WAY to into my mind! Thank you very much for this comment! I love the support I’m getting from others
Lisa! I’m so glad you have decided to make this step toward fully recovering. I KNOW you can do it! You’re a strong woman and you can do this! I’m glad you’re being conscious enough of what it is that you need to do and that asking for help IS OKAY!
I’m looking forward to hearing more about you getting better!
Thank you!!
I’m so sorry you’re going through such a struggle. I wish I could help. You seem like such a sweet, genuine person and I hate that you’re going through a tough time. You’re a beautiful girl – both inside and out. Admitting your issues on your blog is tough, but acknowledging that you want to make it better IS SO MARVELOUS. I applaud you for that. I’m here to listen if you ever need it and you will be in my prayers TONIGHT! xoxo girl. keep you chin up!
Thank you Christina!!! I appreciate the kind words and support!
I have the HARDEST time asking for help, I’ve gotten much better but it’s still something I work on daily. I am SO darn proud of you. You’re amazing. I cannot wait to watch your journey forward away from this place you’re ready to bust out of! I’m proud of youuuuuu! BTW, if you remember, message or email me @ vanillabeanlean.com, I have a recommendation for you
Thanks so much Elextra!! I will be e-mailing you now!
*vanillabeanlean@gmail.com
Not sure if it’s too lame to have a comment from your mom, but I am so proud of you and have always recognized your truly lovely spirit. I was thinking last night about the time you barely made finals in Provincials in the IM and then blew everyone, including yourself away when you won a medal with your best time by a landslide. I loved that you had that fight in you under the surface…..the fight that surprised everyone. Ed has not taken that from you….I see it in this post. I believe in you. You are beautiful and strong inside and out and always have been.
Xoxo
Haha, no lame at all maj. Love you!
this is probably the hardest part, the mental part. It’s almost a fear of the unkown. Not sure what do when you are fully healed, yes? The mind is powerful, our thoughts are powerful, seeking help is a great idea. Let someone else nourish that mind. Thank you for sharing your heart!
We are all here, supporting!
hugs.
Definitely, I fear the unknown and that’s what I struggle with. Thank you Lindsay! Your blog is always so supportive and I love the words and love you share with everyone each post! Your encouragement means a lot
I can’t believe I’ve never looked at your blog before. TISK LEE TISK. Well. I have to say that you are one courageous girl and should be proud for being able to talk about your ED like this. I’d give you a big ol hug if I could! Everyone struggles asking for help, but in the long run, you’ll be glad you did
Thank you Lee
Glad you finally came on over and checked me out 
I am definitely happy I finally reached out, and am already feeling my positive about this!
HI
I just discovered your blog today. Love this post. I know what you are going through. I have struggled for years. I think I would have gotten out of control if not for getting pregnant. (I know how could something like that happen when I was eating maybe 1 meal a day?) I guess it was a miracle. But it forced me to realize that I need to eat! I needed to eat to be healthy. And eat for my unborn child. I do still struggle daily, with calorie counting & exercise, but I do know food is OK & enjoyable. It just takes time to mental change.
Good luck with everything. We have your back.
Hi Julie! Thank you for your comment. I’m sorry you suffered through the same things. But, am so happy it made you realize that you needed to make a change. It is definitely a hard thing to do, and I think something that we unfortunately continue to struggle with. It definitely takes some time to make that mental change and I am learning to get through it now, which I am so thankful for! Take care!!