Good Morning beauties! Happy Monday to you all!
How was everyone’s weekend?
My day hasn’t started out too marvellous yet, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be a marvellous day over here! The day has just begun.
I kicked off my morning with some overnight oat bran. The tutorial should be up either tomorrow or Thursday! For all of those who were wondering.
I mentioned last week about a decision I’ve made. First off, I decided at some time last week that I am tired of living with an eating disorder. I mean I’ve known this for a long time, but its about time I make changes and not just talk about wanting to change. This post may not sound marvellous, but I believe it is. I have decided to make the changes that I need in order to get my life back for the better; instead of sitting back and wishing for changes to happen. I’m not going to recover full by sitting back waiting for someone else to change for me.
*Caffeine crazedddd addict! With a side view of my kabocha stock. Yes, I’m obsessed with it. And I have no plans on getting over that obsession any time soon.*
We have an outpatient eating disorder clinic where I live, and I did attend it when I was at my sickest three years ago. However, I have still been struggling emotionally and physically with some things that have been going on. Just because I am not at a very low weight does not mean I don’t deserve help or that I don’t need help.
As much as I’d like to believe I can recover on my own, it has been nearly impossible with no outside help in the past year. Instead of sticking it out and not pursuing change, I decided to make a call to the clinic and see someone. I need to realize its okay to ask for help from other people.
I live in my head a lot and contemplate with so many different thing, by doing this I am giving up my power to recover and not moving forward in this stage. I can honestly get lost in my mind, I feel that it get can filled with some intense, crazy thoughts that make me emotionally and mentally exhausted.
*I’ve been obsessed with roasting my veggies in a combo of coconut oil, hummus, nutritional yeast, and a little cashew butter. SO good. This is a bowl of baked cauliflower, zucchini, kale, spinach, and tempeh*
It has taken a lot of convincing to take this next step. I kept thinking I am simply “not sick enough” for treatment. Who can really define that though? And is this my ED trying to convince me I am not sick enough to get help. Even when I was at my worst I didn’t want to recover. I was being stubborn and didn’t think I was sick enough.
By talking to the people I love and who care about me, it has given me a new perspective on my health and life. It’s given my the strength to listen to my body, my mind, and giving part of my “control” away to someone else. I have been in denial that there is a problem that I need to fix. I was unwilling to make strides because I truly felt that I was not worth full recovery and that I did not need it.
I’m also afraid; truly afraid to live without this disease. What the heck will I be thinking if I’m not totally focused on my weight and exercise? Will this mean I just will no longer care about my health? I think that I will just get lazy and fat. This is the problem in my mind, that I think in extremes.
*For snacks I’ve been enjoying a combo of different things that are most likely topped with a cookie dough balls or just straight up almond or cashew butter. I can’t get enough of the fats lately!*
Even though I’m not at the lowest weight I’ve been at, in fact I’ve gained 20 pounds. I feel I am suffering more emotionally and mentally. I stress a lot everyday and its simply not healthy. It is important that I recover now, while I have no distractions in my life.
I am very fortunate my parents are willing to help me while I fully recover from my disorder. I’m going to appreciate my life and having the ability and resources to recover. I am so thankful and blessed to have my family helping me through this process.
I’ll make sure to update you all on how this process is going, because I want to be as open as I possibly can going through all of this.
Props if you made it through this lengthy post! I’m off to make the most of my Monday!!
Have you ever struggled asking for help from others?