Good morning Tuesday!
Last night, I settled down with a side of Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion. I just love that movie. Such a classic. When I was in high school I think I could recite that movie backwards and forwards. Let’s just say I adored it. Clearly.
*Cold overnight oat bran. I just know that you’re super jealous, and that you want some of this loveliness.*
Anyways, this morning I greeted the day with my usual morning routine. This is just too perfect to not enjoy during those summer mornings.
*1/3 cup oat bran, 1/2 cup egg whites, 1.5 tablespoon chia seeds, 1/3 cup pumpkin. Topped with my favourite peanut flour paste. That’s my kind of breakfast and how cute is my bowl? I just love that thing!*
After digestion occurred, I went on a little stroll. It was a fabulous walk and I enjoyed to just get outside and enjoy the scenery. I love how peaceful and relaxing early mornings here are.
While on my morning walk, I contemplated what I’d be eating for lunch. Do I want this meal or that meal? How many calories should I eat for lunch? What fats? Proteins? Which carbs do I want in todays lunch?
*After my walk, I was a little chilly and enjoyed the most magical hot chocolate, made with coconut milk instead of all almond. Um, why have I not been doing this all the time? Insane. 1 tablespoon cacao powder, stevia, and coconut milk.*
I have to admit, a lot of my mood dictates from how meals turn out. Which makes me resort to the same meals over again. When I enjoy a meal or snack I feel like I am in a better mood, which also means the opposite is true when I don’t enjoy a meal. I will not finish it and become a tad moody, and that’s just not fun.
Enjoyment of my meals also means that I look for that “perfect” combination of carbs/proteins/fats. If I feel a meal is completely balanced, my mood increases and the day reflects this. I feel relieved and less anxious throughout the day.
*I had some older produce to use up for dinner, so I made a bowl of roasted vegetables cooked in coconut oil (the best), and after coated it in a dressing of 1/2 an avocado, 2 tablespoon nutritional yeast, a little water to thin, and a little dill to season. I had an egg on the side, but it was hideous. So no picture. Oh, and that’s tomato paste with a little stevia on the side.*
Who can even dictate what a perfect meal is anyways? Everybody is different, and we all have different calorie needs. It’s just a fact of life that every body is completely different from another.
Another problem lies in the fact that I spend far too much time planning and thinking about my next meals and snacks. I am consumed by too many thoughts about creating my next “perfect” meal. This puts my body under more stress and anxiety. It gives comfort to the eating disorder, but not to me. I am left feeling panicked and anxious when I don’t have control over my meals anymore. My food now controls me and becomes an unhealthy obsession.
*That would be my snack of whipped cottage cheese, processed with 1/2 a frozen banana, and little cashew butter on the side. I forgot how much I love blended cottage cheese. Time to bring it back.*
This to me, is disordered eating. When food controls your mood, routine, behaviours, and thoughts, it’s an unhealthy relationship with food and results in a problem. So, how do we stop ourselves from putting so much emphasis on our eating routines?
I find that by putting more of my involvement into my recovery and digging into deep dissolved issues I have experienced, I am able to better manage my emotions. By engaging myself with more varied recipes and “forbidden” foods, I think this could help lessen my obsession with eating clean all of the time. I am more able to choose what I want to be eating, not what I “should” be eating.
Do you allow food to dictate how you feel throughout the day? Would you consider this disordered eating?
Are you good with balancing healthy foods with indulgent foods?
Have a wonderful rest of your day all!!
*Related articles of interest:
MTV explores unhealthy food obsessions (Fox news)
More information on Orthorexia and food obsession (via The Huffington Post)
Healthy Eating Addiction (via Greatist)
About Lisa
I have to agree with you, when food is always on the mind I know there is a problem. I hate the idea that food had a time where it controlled every aspect of my day. Would I get this, could I get that? It was no way to live. I am glad you are realizing this and tackling it head on.
Its definitely not fun to live your life through the power of numbers, its really hard to get past this mentality. I’m hoping it gets easier as I progress through it.
I definitely let me mood dictate my meals, but I have to be sure I’m eating what my plan calls for. Thankfully I don’t have to be a slave to macros at this stage in my training… funny though, I naturally eat pretty close to the recommended breakdown for building.
I guess it makes sense when your training for a competition though! Since those things are important for the results you want. Just not day to day normal living.
As always, another beautiful and touching post. You truly are such an inspiration to all of us Lisa, and I can’t thank you enough. I honestly look forward to reading your blog day in and day out. It’s so wonderful to see you taking such jumps and leaps revolving around your E.D. I can’t begin to tell you how much you’ve helped me over the past month. It’s been an eye opener, and @ some pts. It was hard to take in, but knowing that it’s only for the better, makes me feel so much more positive.
Have a great day girl.
Aw thank you so much Jessie! That means so much to me!
I agree that it is hard to take in and even accepting can be hard too, but once we make the changes we will feel better and more positive, even if we don’t in the moment!
Sometimes it is such a hard balance to find! Especially when eating the “right” meal makes you feel so good. I find myself also getting anxious when I feel the “right” food isn’t in my fridge or I don’t have chia seeds on hand! It’s silly in some ways… But I try to focus on other things and I know (and am fortunate) that I will always have food for my next meal. Always a learning process!
Do you read Meghan Telpner’s blog? She had a great article a few weeks ago on healthy eating, when it becomes too much, orthorexia, etc.
I understand what you mean completely!
Anxiety gets the best of me in some situations too, but sometimes we just need to go with the flow.
And yep, just knowing we have food on the table available is such a blessing.
I haven’t read her blog before! I’ll be sure to check it out though!!
What a great post! I think this “obsession” with food is often overlooked and isn’t thought of as an “eating disorder” until it reaches way too extreme heights! While I do think it is important to eat what you enjoy and what you know will satisfy you, I also think this can become a bit over-consuming of your thoughts and behaviors from time to time! I have totally struggled with this and still do! But as I start to look at food more as fuel it seems to help a bit! Thank you for your honesty as always and brining an important and often overlooked matter to light!
It definitely gets overlooked, especially in our society when we put so much emphasis on our food and what other people are eating/not eating.
I’m hoping this problem gets better, but I guess I need to be patient and give it time. So hard for me to do sometimes haha.
great post hun! and yes, having forbidden foods will only help
Totally! Found that out this week! It was uncomfortable, but fear foods are supposed to feel that way.
This is a great post!!! Obsessive eating is a form of disordered eating. But the good side of this is that you ARE eating and making sure that you are getting the nutrients that you need!! Overcoming an ED takes suuuuuch a long time, and you are doing a great job
It really does take a long time!
I honestly am shocked at how long this disorder has last!
Sometimes I get down that the process is taking so long, but your right I am making sure to eat enough and do the right things, so that should be a good thing!
Lisa this post is wonderful; not because I am happy you have to deal with the planning, thoughts, etc. But because i feel like so many people can relate.
I too spend a lot of time thinking about food when my husband (and other intuitive eaters) can easily just say “oh yes, I am hungry for this” eat it and move on.
I also tend to let one meal effect the next…if i have too much at breakfast i better cut back on lunch…things like that and sometimes my body just needs more regardless of the calories consumed earlier.
I hope we can both let this mindset go because we are intelligent women who could easily put that brain power to more productive use than food agony
you are awesome girl!
It seems weird that there are people who don’t have food constantly on their mind because I am just so used to thinking this way!
Its such a main part of my thoughts it literally takes over.
I definitely relate to the eating of one meal effecting me for the next one, the only way to overcome these is too challenge them and constantly follow through on our meal plans or whatever we’re doing to recover!
I believe we both have the intelligence to overcome this disorder! We had the “will power” to get ourselves into this, so let’s use this will power for recovery:)
OMG, I am exactly the same. I spend a fair amount of time( too much!) thinking and planning my food for the day, and if I don’t end up enjoying something, there is upset & disappointment.
It can be hard to remember that we are going to have like, a zillion other chances to eat- so if 1 meal doesn’t meet our standards, or felt like a’ waste’ of calories or something- its actually no biggie.
Eating forbidden foods seems like it would help. ( I distinctly remember you telling me if cals didn’t exist ,you could totally go some french fries- so get on that girl! Mwaha, I forget nothing:p).
I think also having meals that we haven’t controlled or prepared ourselves – like restaurant meals or food made by other people- would challenge the disorder, cuz it would be facing the fear of the unknown.
Thanks for sharing those article, I can’t wait to give them a read.
Oh, and all your food looks awesome:).
Xxx
It seems so silly to let my mood dictate one small meal, but I guess that is just remnants from the disordered eating.
I for sure think the eating of forbidden foods will help a ton! With some help I’m starting to eat some more of them! Its super hard, but I know it needs to be done.
First of all, I think it’s great that you’re admitting this and being so open about it – and yes, that is disordered eating. EDs are really prevalent in the blog world and, even if yours has arisen without weight loss (I don’t know if this is the case) or other worrying physical symptoms, the anxiety around food and the fact that it’s taking over your life are troubling enough. You deserve to be free and to live a full life, not just pass from meal to meal with stress. I wish you the best!
I haven’t had the symptoms of weight loss, I don’t weight myself but do see my doctor regularly to make sure I’m not backtracking. I definitely think the anxiety with food is just remnants from my eating disorder and being concerned with gaining “too much” weight and those silly thoughts. I totally agree that its very prominent in the blog world and I’m hoping that as I step further into recovery these thoughts diminish.
I find that sometimes I just need a break from reading other people’s blogs – a bunch of people have really crazy exercise schedules or restrictive eating plans and it just helps keep the crazy from creeping in (for me, at least) to just refuse to read blogs for a while and just live with ‘normal’ people in the ‘real’ world until you’re feeling secure
i could not have said this better! you are SO right… i find that so many times (especially on vacation or when i am eating out a lot) i tend to get anxious about what and when i will it and what will happen when i stray for my regular routine. this is something i have been working through and it honestly gets better and better the more that i tell myself life is so much more important than what i am eating. thanks for addressing this!!
Oh yes, I definitely get this way on vacations or when I’m eating out.
Its not fun, but the more we do it the less the anxiety will get each time which is the important thing!
UGH I totally understand. Even though I’m doing better at meeting my meal plan, I still am always thinking about what meal or snack I’m going to have next, and trying to create the “perfect” balance of nutrients and taste while also keeping it within the realm of safe. Eating period is a big step forward for me, but you’re right–letting food dictate our thoughts, moods, and feelings is not full recovery. Stay strong sweetie
I can relate to the feeling of wanting to be “perfect” in my meal plan. It does feel safe, but safe is not a good thing. We need to accept the anxiety we experience with certain foods and overcome those. Frankly, it sucks but it is a good thing!
Stay strong too girl! We can do this:)
Thank you SO much for this honest and insightful post,Lisa!
I definitely agree with you,when you’re thinking about food all the time and let it dictate your mood like this,it’s not normal at all. I am striving for the ability to trust my body again,listen to its wants and needs and not constantly worry about too much this or that… This must be freedom for sure. Sigh.
I am also striving for those same things! I just want my body to be able to function normally and allow myself to listen to those cues.
We will get there!
Ah I can relate to this all too well! First I obsessed over food to control my weight. Then I transferred that to obsessing about fueling my training “perfectly” – UGH, so sick of it. The past few weeks I’ve been more or less eating what sounds good at the time, and interestingly enough, when I track it at the end of the day it ends up being a pretty good balance of macros! There are definitely still days and moments (especially at restaurants) where I stress about it, but on the whole, just letting go was like the best thing I ever did for my mental health lol!
I’m happy to hear that letting go of all that stress of the food is what was best for you!
It seems like such a hard task, but I guess that’s part of growing past the ED, is getting uncomfortable in feeling those things about food.
I am definitely sick of thinking this way, so its time to change things!
thank you for being so honest lisa! I definitely know where you are coming from. I have done this myself sometimes and it always makes me so unhappy to be “controlled” by food or at least the thoughts of it! I think that admitting you do this is a great step toward overcoming it!
Thanks Lindsay! Its definitely hard when I realize how much food occupies my mind, but I know this is just the first step to overcoming this silly issue!
I have to agree, I have found that disordered eating is way more common then many think and it is like a way to ‘get away’ or live with a subclinical eating disorder and as you say it is no way to live!
Agreed!
Great post! I think this is difficult for a lot of people – while I try not to let my meals dictate my foods, if I feel like I’m getting a little too lax or indulgent my mood definitely suffers and guilt kicks in.
I guess it happens to most people on some level, but we need to worry when it gets out of control I think.
I know its hard to publish things like this so congrats on taking the first step(: I almost feel like now that you admit it, it becomes easier to work on. Sometimes I’ll have thoughts like that (and if it’s just occasional I think that’s true to any girl living in today’s society) Unfortunately it has come to this point where everyone is concerned about food and weight and sometimes too much emphasis is placed on being skinny. Sometimes I just say out loud to myself something like what the heck. It’s like no eating that is not gonna kill me and yes, YOLO. sorry so cliche I know(: good luck though!
I definitely think admitting it is the first step and I’m hoping it becomes an accountability thing for me! If that makes sense.
I understand everyone suffers from these feelings on some level, but I believe some people think about it far too much.
Haha, yolo! Totally cliche, but very true!!
I’ve never heard of whipped cottage cheese. I’m so intrigued! Have you ever blogged about it before?
On a more serious note, I know what you mean. Sometimes I totally obsess about the “healthiness” of my meals and snacks. Trying to be 100% perfect. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels that way.
I think I’ve blogged about it before? Maybe haha, I should look back! I need to start organizing my recipes!
I just process it in the food processor with any added ingredients I want with a little almond milk to get it moving if I need to.
Your cottage cheese bowl looks like straight up vanilla ice cream! mmm! And I, too, can totally relate this. It’s something that i have been aware of and have actually gotten better about lately. The first step is acknowledging it so you are completely on the right track girl!
It does look super creamy! So good.
You said you were increasing your calories, correct?
Do you think that helped to lessen the thoughts of food? Just curious, since I’m trying out that strategy now!
yes yes yes! Since increasing cals, i’m getting enough fuel which means I feel satisfied. I eat, feel good, and am on with my day. When I’m not satisfied, i think about food. Because, duh Kristi, my body/mind was trying to tell me that it needed more! It makes perfect sense now.
You are so honest and open, and for that, I commend you. Another beautifully written post. I think so many people struggle with this; more than we could even think. As someone who feels like “I have it together”, I’d be totally lying if I didn’t think about when my next meal was, where it’s going to be, how it’s going to be prepared. I guess with just practice and patience, and most importantly, TIME, I have gotten over this. I always have snacks with me at all times, so it makes it much easier to not get as anxious when I am out and about and don’t have access to meals, or if I just have to go long in between meals than I am used to. I mean, especially on vacations, or when Nick and I go to this beach house, I am constantly thinking about food.. I just think that’s normal to SOME degree but we also don’t want it to take away from our lives/controlling our lives. Ramling here, but just know that almost anyone (in my opinion) can relate to this. Just keep plowing through it and it will get better, and having snacks on hand at all times when I’m out and about, 100% help me.
Thank you Eva! I think its really important to be really honest, firstly with myself and my readers because this way I feel more accountable.
Yep, I think practice, patience and time are definitely what it takes to get over these thoughts! Its sometimes just so darn hard to wait though haha.
Thank you for always being so open and honest in your posts. I think it’s so important for all of us to realize that we’re not the only ones when it comes to stuff like this. I can definitely relate to everything that you’re feeling and it’s something I’ve consciously been working on over the past few weeks. Letting go of the need to be “perfect” is something I struggle with in every area of my life. It’s frustrating, to say the least. I wish I could just turn off my brain and ‘go with the flow’ like so many people do, but it’s difficult!
In my attempt to let go and just LIVE, I’m starting to discover how much happier I am without obsessing over little things (like food). It’s just not worth it and there are SO many more important things to think about. It’s obviously a process and I’m still working on it every day, but constantly reminding myself of all of the other great things in life has definitely helped.
…aaand once again, we’re twins. haha. <3
I so wish I could just go with the flow as well, it would be much easier haha.
I guess we just need to realize that nobody is perfect, and even those other may seem perfect, they are most certainly not and there are probably things they are hiding because they don’t want others to know their issues. Which of course, is understandable.
I’m trying to just get out there and live my life as well, spend it with others and less time in my head! Its something I’m working on constantly as well!
Haha, we just are twins!
I definitely used to be at a place where food and exercise dictated EVERYTHING in my life. I would tally up calories on a notepad in class or at work, or on the calculator on my phone, and tally up the amount of calories I for sure knew I would have later on in the day to calculate how much I could have for snacks in between… I mean, that’s not just a little crazy, it’s insane. I would freak out for going over 50-100 calories in some meals, and of course, I always stuck to the same foods because it was convenient and “safe.” Thankfully, I’ve gotten past that point but obviously, it’s hard to NOT consider calories and stuff like that when you’re eating or reaching for something to make because it’s ingrained in your brain!
I hope you don’t get offended, but to me it looks like you do tend to stick with the same foods and thinking about lunch during during an early morning walk both seem like you really need to give yourself more freedom! You’re tied down by calories and food groups and as you can see, it’s a mind-numbingly boring and exhausting life to lead. It may be bearable now, but as time goes on, it’ll just get worse… you’re better off nipping it in the butt now that it’s not too crazy!
I definitely have done the notepad and calculator on my phone thing for calories as well and that was definitely not a fun period in life. Your so right its not crazy, its insane.
And I can relate to the “freaking out” over 50-100 calories, it is just ridiculous since our bodies aren’t calculators and don’t work that way.
I’m not offended by what you stated, because its the truth. While I have made some improvements they aren’t great enough. I do rely on the same types of foods and I don’t give myself much freedom with trying out new recipes or other foods.
I’ve started to get into the process of overcoming these issues with the help of a therapist and nutritionist, so I’m hoping that with time and of course with actions on my part I can overcome this!
Thanks for the comment!
Love your honesty girl! I sometimes let food dictate my mood- I used to much more than now. It has taken a lot of time to get through this!
I guess it just comes in time and I need to continue pushing through the uncomfortable things!
I hear you on this! There was a time in my life when my mood was 100% dictated by my meals. I still get a little frustrated when I’m excited about a meal and it turns out icky or what I want isn’t on a menu etc., but I found that the best way to combat it is to remember THERE’S ALWAYS TOMORROW. And the next day–so many more yummy eating opportunities to look forward to, that this one won’t even be a blip on the radar in a few days. Great post!
I can relate to that feeling of frustration when meals don’t turn out the way I want them too haha. Not fun all the time;)
Yes so true, there is always tomorrow!
Hey Lisa,
Did a lot of thinking after I read this post. Then I thought: What if the perfect meal and perfect relationship with food came from eating intuitively? Where we tune in and really take the time to determine what our body is hungry for (emotional, physical, spiritual) and when it is full. And we give it whatever will satisfy the hunger. Likely, we still hear the mind’s chatter, but it is more background noise than anything else, because we have come to understand how our minds’ work. We see our thoughts for what they are, but we don’t give them a ton of energy if they are not helping us get the most out of our lives. With time and practice, the mind may even quiet a bit, as we shift our focus towards engaging in meaningful action. That’s the idea, I think.
I fully understand how hard it is, though, when what you are passionate about or find meaningful deals with something in the realm of food or fitness. Naturally your attention is going to be focused there. In that case, I think you really need to examine your thoughts, and begin challenging them, which is just what you’re doing! Because your thoughts should not rule you. Often time, our thoughts are untrue, but even if they carry a certain degree of truth, the question becomes: Is the thought helpful? I’m borrowing a lot from Steven Hayes’ therapy called ACT. He has a book called Get Out Of Your Mind & Into Your Life, which is basically the philosophy of the therapy. His writing is a bit hard to follow, so for learning about ACT I recommend The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.
I know you’re a food blogger, so it’s tough to get away from the focus on food. But I’d encourage you to challenge the idea of perfection as it relates to food. See if you can get some distance from your thoughts to where they don’t effect your mood quite as much. To where you can focus on other meaningful things and not be preoccupied by your next meal. If it something you think would support your recovery, you could consider taking some time off from blogging/visiting healthy eating blogs… but I don’t know what you think about that. I don’t want you to stop with something that you find fulfillment, enjoyment, and connection in.
Take care Lisa… and thank you for being so open with your readers because I think so many can relate to you in your journey.
<3
I love your comment. I think our perfect relationship with food could definitely come from intuitively! Right now it just seems so hard to get there. You know? Like, I have just focused on these aspects for so long and its hard to not have them in my thoughts. And still being able to feel hunger and fullness is a problem I still face in recovery. I hope with time these intuitive actions will come back!
And its so true if we don’t pay much attention to those thoughts and hear them as background noise that they will quiet down. I fully believe in that!
I’m going to read both of those books, because the certainly sound amazing! It sounds like I could learn a lot from them.
I definitely have reconsidered the blogging/reading blogs and have cut down on blogs that trigger me, which was hard at first. I think I’ll continue blogging but if I can’t make the moves and actions to help me further recovery I will have to re-look at things and possibly take a break to get back to my healthy place!
Thank you for your awesome comment and thoughtfulness!
Oh gosh yes; I used to spend nearly every waking hour thinking about food! I was either planning my next meal or snack, reading food magazines, cooking/baking for others, or watching The Food Network. My life was food, food, food, yet I wasn’t eating enough of it to nourish my body. Talk about a paradox, right?! As we both know though, constant food thoughts are nothing more than a crutch to distract us from the real issues–those feelings deep inside that we’re often just subconsciously aware of. I think it’s so great that you’re working on these things, Lisa! Your honesty and acknowledgement of the thoughts, means that you WILL get past this phase! In fact, I bet you’re much closer than you think.
Keep pushing, girl!
Love you!! xoxo <3
Oh gosh, I used to be that obsessive too. When my ED was at its worst it was insane. My roommate must have thought I was super nuts! I’d weight ALL of my veggies and write it down and oh god it was just a mess haha.
I’m hoping increasing the calories and sticking with that will lessen my food anxiety and food thoughts in general.
Love uuu!
I feel my absolute best when why I eat is dictated by cravings, and centring meals around pleasure and sharing with others.
I used to be very controlling with my food, but these days the most important thing is to eat what I crave, enjoy it, share it with loved ones and to be nourished. This attitude really helped me to get to a healthy place in mind and body and I know that you can get there too! xoxoxo
I love your attitude towards food, its something I strive and work towards.
I know I’ll eventually get to that place of a healthy mind and body!!
I think it’s great that you’re talking (or blogging
) about this, the fact that you know that all of this overthinking and planning the perfect meal isnt the healthiest is already a very big step in the right direction.
Love the honesty
Thank you Amber!:)
i think our society in general is too focused on food, too much and too little, ya know? This is why i sometimes wish we could reprogram our brains. Think like we did when we were kids!
Oh yes, I agree with that. Our society is definitely obsessed with what we are eating or not eating. If I could get back to the way I viewed food as a child that would be amazing! When I nannied the way kids viewed their meals was way better than most adults do!
I’m a bit late in commenting here – I just recently discovered your blog and when I visited your blog again today, this post really spoke to me! When I was all over the place with eating and food, it was my boyfriend who actually pointed that out! He said that I was always thinking about food, was all down when I couldn’t get the “right” food or when I couldn’t eat or workout at fixed times … and now it’s a massive, red-blinking warning sign when I have thoughts like that! That means I am stressed and about to slip back into old habits.
Now I listen to my cravings! And it actually gets easier! Now I either have specific cravings (like orange juice or an apple, chocolate), but most of the time I have a “food group craving”. That means I do have a craving for, say orange juice, but I can tell that it is a craving for fruit or vitamins and can be satisfied with a number of fruits. Or I am craving cheese .. then I can usually tell that it’s a craving for a protein and a hard-boiled egg or some turkey could also help. Or I am craving something fatty or some form of carb.
And sometimes I eat something not because I crave it but because I want it! Like a piece of cake, some cookies with a friend, some chocolate eaten while I am reading a crime novel, a “Hugo” (prosecco with elderberry syrup and mint leaves … aaaahmazing
) with a friend .. 
Great post! There have been way too many years spent focusing/obsessing over food…what I am going to eat, when I am going to be able to eat, how to save up calories to enjoy a binge, etc. I have found that obsessing over it overwhelms me when I’m in recovery and then I just go back to the same comfort meals/binges. For me, what is working is following the advice of my dietitian who refuses to give me strict pal ( bc eds thrive on rigidity) rather I know what I need to do and it must include flexibility, challenges, and variation of foods…. Including treats. I know that when the obsessive thoughts are therm it’s Ed and I must choose not to do what he’s telling me to do. So, for me that means when I am out on a walk and he wants me to start calculated calories to prepare to ‘perfect’ meal or binge, I tell him I won’t do it! And I don’t.